I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He passed out mid-signature
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
