I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
