Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we made out on top of his cat.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
