he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize