My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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