Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
