the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
