The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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