So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize