I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
