I like to think it a success when the cops are called
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
