I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
