next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
