They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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