Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
