I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
