a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize