Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
