I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
