Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
this is an emotional support booty call
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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