Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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