Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
