that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize