Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
