So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
