so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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