smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
