end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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