I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
