i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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