her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
