i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize