there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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