i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
