I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
