You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
