I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
