You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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