just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
