If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
