Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
