According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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