Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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