He kissed a someone with a penis
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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