I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
