Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
