Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
