i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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