Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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