Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
