Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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