you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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