No awkward lesbian experiences without me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
