She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
