i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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