I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
