I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Im part way to drunk.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
