Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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