I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
