Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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